Be Direct – Ask for What You Want

Be Direct – Ask for What You Want

Robert Lambert is an expert sales and networking trainer, and he has a unique approach to selling. A few weeks ago, I was fortunate to attend a presentation that Bob gave to a roomful of IT sales professionals from across the US and Canada.

The topic that stood out for me was “Ask for What You Want”. I’ve been collecting notes on the subject for a few months, so you can imagine my delight when he brought it up! And since the story he shared has an unexpected and delightful outcome, I asked him for permission to share it here with you.

In 2014, Bob was invited to present his sales methodology at a three-day conference organized by an international business association. The event would be held in Washington DC, the audience full of industry leaders from around the world. It was a great opportunity for him to share decades of experience and success with his target audience.

Since the event was to be held in DC, Bob decided to fly his wife and kids in for the weekend and take in the museums and landmarks as a family.

For years, Bob had been telling friends and family about the quality of his business network and the lengths he took to protect and nurture it -- and the fact that, due to his discipline, the last five or six Presidents of the United States were just one or two degrees of separation from him. They’d take his call, he’d say, all he needed was a topic important enough to justify their time. Bob’s eyes always twinkled on that last line.

Bob was quite excited to share his big news at dinner that night, but his wise-acre son, having heard the story for so many years, seized the moment and challenged Bob. “Dad”, he asked, “you always tell us how the President would take your call. How about giving him a call and setting up a private tour of the White House for us while we’re in DC?”. Smiling, Bob said, “Great idea Buddy!”, but he was entirely unsure about how to make that happen.

A few days later he was in session with one of his peer groups. Per their agenda, he’d brought a personal challenge and a professional challenge to share. "Next month”, he said when his turn came, “I'll be sharing my sales methodology with one of the most prestigious groups in my career. It’s a three-day presentation and could lead to great things for my firm. That’s my professional challenge. My personal challenge is that, because it’s in the DC-area, I’m bringing my family in to see the sights – and my wise-ass son asked me to book us a private tour of the White House. Can anyone help?”. It felt like he was asking for the impossible.

Why do we struggle to ask for what we want? What holds us back? The thought that we’re not worthy of help? That there isn’t enough to go around? Or is it the opposite – our expectations, our entitlements, our egos get in the way of asking a simple question?

Kids are masters of asking for what they want. Bob’s son is a perfect example. But as we mature that willingness fades. Some folks learn to put everyone else’s needs before their own. Some of us won’t admit when we’ve reached the limits of our own capacity and let the fear of being in a vulnerable position stop us from asking for help. Regardless, all we’re really doing is slowing down the journey to reach our true potential.

Researchers have found that people overestimate by 50% the number of people they need to ask in order to fulfill a request https://www.gsb.stanford.edu/insights/francis-flynn-if-you-want-something-ask-it. I’ve found that when I ask for what I want from a place of gratitude and acceptance, sometimes my world expands and fulfills my request.

Back to Bob – when he asked for a personal tour of the White House, the unexpected happened. One gentleman stood and said, “You know what Bob, I think I can help you out. My college roommate runs Daily Operations team at the White House. Give me a few days and let me see what I can do.”

A few days later Bob’s friend got back to him. “Great news”, he said, “not only will your family be getting a private tour of the White House, but the Obama family happens to be in town that weekend so you’ll be spending 20 minutes with the President, the First Lady, and their girls!”

By simply asking for what he wanted Bob made the impossible into reality. If there’s video of Bob sharing that piece of good news with his family, I’d love to see it - when his son heard that he’d be meeting the Obamas the look on his face must have been priceless.

Curious about Bob’s sales and networking trainings? Check out https://samuraibizgrp.com/ --  and thank you Bob, for letting me share your story.

Accepting Kindness

photo: katerha used with permission

Surfs Up!
A couple weeks ago, my wife Julie and I were vacationing in a little Mexican beach town called Sayulita. The weather was lovely, the ocean warm, and the waves were small and soft -- perfect for a Seattle-based surfer like me.

One afternoon, as the tide went from medium to high, a peak that hadn’t been surfable at lower tide started to ‘turn on’. I watched a couple nice waves roll thru. There was a small pack of guys on the main peak, but no one paddling over to this new spot. Ok, maybe it’s because of that big chunk of reef sticking up at the end section of the wave, but it didn’t look that bad.

Adult Jeff thought, “Yeah it looks fun… but are you up to dodging the reef? You haven’t surfed since summer.” Rising adrenaline squeezed my chest. Another wave stood up on the spot, the curl rolling for an easy 30 yards or so with totally makeable sections and plenty of room for a couple big turns. Adrenaline fizzled in my brain, whispering, “Just paddle out and have a look.” Before I knew it, I’d paddled out and was sitting on the peak.

From the water I could see that by riding a higher line across the wave and kicking out early, I could pretty easily avoid the reef. I picked off the first one that came thru, and got a really fun ride. Hooting, I paddled back out and got another one right away.

The tide kept rising, and the waves kept coming. My confidence grew with every ride. I added an extra turn, ending my rides closer to the reef. I was in it – feeling the rush, and getting cocky. Until I rode one a bit too far.

I didn’t get pushed up onto the reef, but I was ‘caught inside’ and a set of white-water washed me into the shallows. I wound up about 20 yards from the beach, but I knew that final stretch was sea urchin-infested. Rather than risking a walk, I decided to float in as far as I could.

The key to safely washing over a reef is patience. Floating on your stomach, a hand on your board, you let the ocean gently wash you in. No kicking. No paddling. But about halfway to the beach I lost my patience, started gently kicking, and almost immediately something jabbed into my foot. Rolling over to check the damage I saw six or seven urchin spines sticking out my big toe. 

Making it to the beach I gently pulled out spines, but a couple of the tips broke off under the skin. The ideal tool for removing those is a sewing needle, and I figured that the local surf shop might keep one of those handy.

Kindness Blindness

I hobbled over and found the 12-year old ‘shop grom’ Odie behind the counter. He said no sewing needles were available but he offered to pick the spines out himself with a thumbtack sterilized with a cigarette lighter. A little reluctantly, I gave him a shot. The first few came out easily, but then a customer came in, so I borrowed the thumbtack and lighter and moved to the curb to pick out the final spines myself.

I was making steady progress when four sandals clopped into view. Looking up, two gringos smiled down at me with quizzical looks on their faces. The man said, “I hope you sterilized that thing!”. I chuckled.

           “Sea urchin?”

“Yep.”

“Why don't you try tweezers?”

“Good idea. But this pin is working. I’ve almost got it.”

“But did you sterilize it?”

I held up the lighter. “I think I’ll be okay”

“Did you consider flesh-eating bacteria?" 

Seriously dude, what the hell? I looked up at him and half-snarked, “You wanna take a crack at it?”

He hunkered down immediately and asked for a magnifying glass and rubbing alcohol. I chuckled and held up the lighter. Tweezers? I laughed. Clearly he knew less about extracting urchin spines than Odie or me.

He went looking for a pharmacia, and his wife explained that they were from Bellevue, Washington with six kids, and he was an orthopedic surgeon, so helping people was just part of his DNA. He brought back rubbing alcohol and tweezers, sheepish that “they didn’t have a magnifying glass” and walked me to a bench across the street.

After washing my foot with the alcohol he started poking at me with the tweezers.

   Me: You’re very kind to try and help me, but what we really need is a sewing needle.

   Doc: (poke) These tweezers are terrible!” (poke poke)

   Me: Yeah? Um…(poke poke) 

   Doc: If I had my surgi-kit I’d be done by now.(poke poke poke)

A few pokes later, a street vendor approached us, holding her assortment of sarongs and pantalones. She said something in Spanish I didn't catch, but told her, “no gracias”. 

She spoke again, so I looked at her, smiled, and said “no gracias”, thinking, “Jeez, can’t you see I’m not on the market for a sarong at the moment?”. She held my gaze. I looked away. She waited impassively as the doc continued poking, grumbling, and tweezing, I guessed she was hoping to sell us something when we finished up.

A few more pokes and I told the doc that I appreciated his help but I would handle things from here. I offered to reimburse him for the first-aid supplies, but he shrugged, saying that’s ok, and flip-flopped towards the beach with his wife. Relieved, I turned back to the vendor and closing my eyes I shook my head firmly, stating “no gracias” a third time. When I opened my eyes I saw that she was holding something out to me. I realized that, this whole time, she'd been offering me the very thing I'd been looking for.

A sewing needle.

Nodding, she pushed the needle at me. My first reaction was surprise – how did she know what I needed? Then embarrassment – I realized she’d been saying “Amigo, you need a sewing needle, wanna use one of mine?”. I accepted her needle feeling like “Muchas gracias” didn't say nearly enough, but I said it anyway. She nodded again, turned, and walked off, leaving me stunned and humbled.

Using the needle, I easily popped the last sliver of urchin spine out of my foot. Heart swelling with relief and gratitude, I dropped the collection of first-aid gear off at the surf shop and went to find Julie to tell her what had just happened.

. . . . . . . .

Three strangers offered me their finest self. In each case my impulse was to deflect, to assume they couldn’t help me, and say no gracias. Why is accepting kindness so hard? Maybe it’s easier to offer kindness? or maybe in the moment saying “no gracias” just seems easiest? or maybe I'm afraid that accepting kindness will require more energy than I think I have? 

I'm reminded regularly that kindness in all its forms lifts me up. That accepting kindness pulls me into joy and abundance. My task is simply to say, “yes please”. 

And Muchas Gracis to the locals and tourists of Sayulita for your generosity of spirit.

Good Things Jar

Note: in a previous post on LinkedIn I shared that instead of setting resolutions for 2019, I’d be picking a theme that I could practice in the hopes of increasing the joy and abundance I experience in my daily life. My theme for 2019 is Ease. My buddy Matt Loos commented on that post, and suggested I share occasional updates about my real-time experience with Ease.

Good Things Jar

A few years ago I was in a pretty dark place. It felt like everything I tried to accomplish, both personally and professionally, led to an awkward or unsatisfying outcome. I was feeling heavy; out of sync, ashamed, and a little desperate.

Then my friend Sam Beasley started talking about Ease.

Sam had a hardscrabble childhood. Big family, little money, few positive role models. His early-adult years were filled with booms, busts, high highs, and low lows. We met decades later, after he’d learned some things and built an incredible life filled with comfort, creativity, and good friends. I was honestly was a bit jealous of Sam and the wonderful things he had in his life. As I heard more of his story, I grew eager to understand. Might I be able to have these things too?

I was raised quite differently from Sam. I grew up with plenty of food, cool toys, and no chores. Family vacations to Hawaii were normal in my neighborhood, and every material need I had was met. I was given an excellent education. I found a fulfilling career, and even won recognition in my field. Everything was great for many years – until it all came crashing down.

I burned-out professionally, got divorced, and opened a new business. It did well for a few years, but one economic downturn later I’d burned thru my life savings. About that time my new wife, Julie, was recruited into an amazing job in a different city. So, with great relief, and excitement and hope for a new beginning, I sold the business to my partner George and moved to Seattle.

I found myself more challenged than ever – to build a new life, in a new city, almost from scratch. I felt like I’d lost everything.

So you can imagine how good the life Sam was enjoying looked to me. But I couldn’t make sense of how he’d made it from a brutal childhood, thru the turmoil of his early adult years, to a life of considerable ease. I swallowed my pride and asked Sam if he’d be willing to share with me how he did it. To my great surprise, he said he’d be happy to.

There is no shortcut, he explained, and one positive early step for him was “really experiencing gratitude”.

Experiencing gratitude? That sounded a little insulting. I’d been taught that the only path to financial freedom and ease was hard work and discipline. But since I’d given that a try and it hadn’t worked, not even close, I pondered this supposed insult for a bit.

To my next question, “How can I possibly experience gratitude given that everything I’d enjoyed in my fat years, the creature comforts, my friends, my intellectual pursuits and my hobbies had been taken away from me?” Sam replied, “Great question! Now we’re getting somewhere.”

But rather than give an answer, he gave me an assignment. He told me to take an empty jar and label it “Good Things”. I was to leave it out somewhere I could see it every day. When good things came into my life, no matter how big or small, I was to write a note about it and put the scrap paper into my Good Things jar. I was a little embarrassed to leave the jar out, where people might see it and ask me about it, but I was also willing to take any suggestion that Sam might have to offer. And this one seemed pretty simple, and didn’t cost a dime, so I put aside my pride and labeled my jar.

At first, I had to force myself to add to the jar. Then I realized that my jar was slowly filling up with good things.

To my absolute surprise, acknowledging these good things was making the rest of my life a little bit easier.

Sam had also instructed me to hold off reviewing the good things in my jar until the year was over. He suggested I save that for New Years Day, then celebrate each one of those little scraps of paper. It was important, he added, to re-experience the joy that those good things had brought into my life, and to express my gratitude in return. The first New Year’s morning I did this I was shocked at how many good things I’d received in 12 months – many of them already forgotten – and to see in my own writing what an incredible life I was already leading. It was surprising to realize that many of the notes were about things that had nothing to do with stuff, and everything to do with being in the moment. A weekday walk in Discovery Park. A kiss from my wife. Seeing Sleater-Kinney at the Showbox. A kind word from a stranger.

Reading, my heart flooded with gratitude.

And in the following weeks, like a snowball rolling downhill, my gratitude gathered momentum. Things kept getting a little bit easier, every day. Today, they’re easier than ever – so long as I remember to let them be.

Take what you like from my story, but as far as I’m concerned, Sam was right: any Ease I enjoy is proportional to the amount of gratitude I allow myself to feel and acknowledge. I’ve done this for a few years now, and I'm still not sure why it works. But from Sam I've also learned that some questions can’t be answered with words.

My Good Things Jar for 2019 already has a few good things in it. Which reminds me -- I owe Sam a call.

How to Kiss the Ring

HOW TO KISS THE RING

Look at your current networking strategy - is referral-sharing one of the key objectives? If it is, then knowing when and how to "kiss the ring" is a critical skill that you need to master.

Once upon a time, failing to kiss a ruler's ring could put you in mortal danger. Today, skipping the kiss is less risky, but its certainly still part of the etiquette (and signal-sending) of high-level business development. Repeated mishandlings probably won't boost your opportunities for attracting new business, either.

Early on, my first few rounds of networking were baffling - how can you possibly know who you need to be talking to? With hundreds of people in the room it's not always immediately apparent.

But as I attended more and more networking events, I came to realize that greeting my Host should almost always be my first step. They're there to be a great resource for the room, and you're always in good form when you take that extra moment to say "thank you" to the person who's throwing the party.

Polished Pros walk into the room grateful for their Host's efforts and open to reciprocity.

So how does a savvy networker acknowledge their Host in a genuine way - without coming off as half-cocked, or worse, rushing and obsequious? 

Begin by remembering this - your Host supervised all the heavy-lifting that happened in order for this event to run smoothly. Entreprenerds, whether or not they're aware of it, tend to arrive with nervous energy that they keep inwardly-focused. That focus can blind them to all of the things that their Host has done on their behalf, which means that they probably aren't going to remember to greet and thank their Host. Polished Pros on the other hand accept their Host's hard work as a simple truth, and they walk into the room grateful for it and open to reciprocity. 

Showing up like a Polished Pro may take a little practice, but really, anyone can do it. When in comes to Kissing the Ring at a networking event, my action plan includes:

1. Arrive a minute or two early.
2. Identify the Host - ideally I do this before the event, but I also feel free to ask someone if I'm new to the room - an easy and effective gambit.
3. With my Host ID'd, my next priority is shaking their hand - so I find the line and queue up.
4. Wait your turn. Relax. Chat while you're waiting. Focus but don't rush.
5. The Host will nearly always take a moment to acknowledge me - then I:

• Smile and share my 'name rank and serial number' - keep it simple - and I don't market myself.

• I thank the host, let them know I'm pleased to meet them, and that I appreciate their hard work and effort. 

• If you've met your host before, your pre-game probably reminded you about something you can ask them from the back of their card.

• Whether or not they do acknowledge you, close the moment with a smile, and resume networking (additional Pro tip: learn to find the Reciprocators)

Acting from gratitude also allows me to intuitively track the activity that's going on in the room, and it makes it easier for me to join in the action - and that visibility can be key to entering the virtuous circle of referral-sharing.

Putting useful forms like this one into practice - in a variety of settings - means that you'll be showing up to every event full of confidence. You'll be acting like a Polished Pro in no time - every time.

(Special thanks to Jeff Kleid for inspiring this post)


Your comments are always welcome.
See you there!
 key terminology
follow us on facebook